Greetings, True Believers! It's time to look at the yearly collection of musical glad-handing and filth-loving known as the Grammies. There were actually some good things that happened this year (not many), and the usual large assortment of awfulness that comes with this cesspool of musical crap. But hey, Neil Young at least won an award, and that's where we begin...


Well, let us give a hearty thrashing to the legends of Rock and Metal who walked away with awards. That's right, stand up and salute the almighty Neil Young and Iron Maiden! Neil Young won the award for Best Rock Song, even though he lost out to Paul Macartney for Best Solo Rock Performance for "Helter Skelter." I have no ill will towards Mr. Macartney, and personally think he was the best songwriter in the Beattles, but I do direct feelings of hostility towards the nomination committee for even nominating another version of a decades old song.

Iron Maiden won Best Metal Song for their last single, "El Dorado," which is a good track, even if the field wasn't representative of what's really going on in metal, only going with legends (Slayer, Megadeth), one major label band who didn't sell out (Lamb of God), and one band that's really only radio hard rock (Korn). I will also give thrashing towards T&B guitly pleasure, Michael Buble', for winning Best Traditional Pop, and to a huge surprise for Best New Artist, jazz bassist Esperanza Spalding. I love that a jazz artist beat out a pack of horrible, horrible, over-exposed acts. There is also one final heaping of helping for closet metalhead and all around fantastic entertainer Cee Lo Green, performing the Wal-Mart version of his hit single, "Forget You," (Censors wouldn't allow the original version of "F--k You") while dressed up like the bastard spawn of Elton John and the Gobbledy Gooker. God bless that crazy guy!

Now, get out your marshmallows, because it's time for the burning! The fire is piping hot, especially with bands that don't really qualify as "rock" winning Best Rock Album (Muse), the Ugliest Band in Canada, the Arcade Fire (That's right, they make the Dayglo Abortions look like models), winning Album of the Year for another boring piece of pretentious indie-tripe, and of course the continuing plaudits towards acts like Lady Gaga (who is apparently trying to turn herself into some sort of demon), Jay Z, and (to a lesser extent) Eminem who really aren't worth the hype. I've also seen some complaints that Ke$ha wasn't nominated for Best New Artist, and I'm going to burn those complainers with this: Ke$ha isn't worth being nominated for anything but a Razzie, and if you honestly believe, in your heart of hearts, that she's puts out decent music, then I have a some ocean-front property to sell you near Edmonton.

It's getting hard to continue ragging on the Grammies year after year, because they never really change. This is the same group of people that in the 1980s gave the Best Metal award to Jethro Tull, instead of Metallica, in it's first year of existence. It's really something that needs to die a quick death, as it just gets worse and worse ever year! I'm not even going to touch the fashion choices, that's Simona's deal, but needless to say there was some vomit-inducing ugliness to be seen. Do yourselves a favour, go listen to the artists in the Thrash end of the column, look for bands like them, and completely avoid the acts in the Burn section.
Godspeed and Party On,
Jé-Pé
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